Excerpt from Germaine Gibson’s Sensation & Magic
You stand fully clothed in a dark room with a spotlight on you. It’s bright but not blinding. Bright – you think the light should warm you – and then he says- from the dark: “Will you take off your clothes now, please?”
A calm voice, but definitely a commanding voice – I can imagine when it’s raised it could be…but in all the time he never raised it, the tone was always just right – even when he would say – “yes, please let me hear you moan now, louder” – it was always pitched just right .Except that one time.
A time of Surprise and Magic, Sensation and Mastery, Submission and Dominance – a time - a few times actually. A time of Dominance and Mastery.
I will start at the beginning – which may be an obvious place to start – but I mean I will start you and me together again at the beginning – with no availability of hindsight or 20/20 vision or knowing now what we should have known then. I will start at the beginning and lead you though the same way I went through – a step at a time, a surprise at a time, never quite sure if I would go…on the whole journey, or
when it or I would say – stop.
If I was younger I wouldn’t have gone –he said- it’s not really for younger women, or perhaps he said – younger women don’t appreciate the nuances. Nuances. He said nuances. I think he meant the whips, the ice and hot wax, the nipple clips. Nuances.
Though now (yes this is hindsight) I understand what he means. I appreciate, finally, the nuances.
I was then, well let’s say not even 55, let’s say. Safely on the other side of menopause, on the other side of physical desire I would have said – safely ensconced in a life that was, I would have to say (and again this is hindsight) I would have to say ready to wind down. Not die, but wind down. Ease into idle.
Vivienne, my best friend Vivienne – V, my name is Jaylyn – so Jay – so J. J and V - my best friend Vivienne and I would love to spot the old ladies out there in the world, especially when it was a couple and they were bickering at each other in front of us at Wal-Mart or Safeway, especially when they were being outrageously rude to the cashier or the waiter or some poor young thing who had the unfortunate task of serving them. Old ladies in their eighties, seventies, and we would nudge each other and say – “in a
few years darling that’ll be us.”
“Will you take off your clothes now, please?”
I thought my mind would be racing, I thought I would be shaking – but I wasn’t I was just aware of standing in this light and the voice, saying “undress please.”
I bent to slide my skirt down to my feet – my heels, he specified heels. I stepped out of my skirt, I raised my sweater over my head.
Bra and panties in the bright light. And heels.
We were at Ikea, in the Red Living Room, me and V. And Cindy – they had just redecorated this one – we usually sat in the White Room – it had chair rails, a nice touch I thought and I liked the pine furniture better in that one – but there were too many people in there today, poking the couch and the bookcase, measuring this and that – so we were in the Red Living Room. It was Cindy you have to know that I blame for most of the following. Cindy was in our Red Room, because V had asked her to meet us there, she had some coupons to give her or some such. So she said. At the time.
V was talking about Peter – her husband. V had Peter her husband and Jody the dog and two daughters – Jody was always running away and V was always about to leave Peter – much as I was always thinking about leaving Sebastian – but I didn’t and she didn’t – but we talked a lot about it. And Jody, the dog, inevitably came back, and her daughters lived with their rotating boyfriends and my daughter lived with her boyfriend, whom I might add I approved of. This time “Peter is buying that Escalade” - Vivienne said as we sipped our coffees.
”I thought you said no, I thought you put your foot down on the Escalade thing” I said.
”Peter never listens to you” said Cindy.
“Peter doesn’t listen because Vivienne doesn’t put her foot down, when she says she will”
“Yea well anyway – he’s taking me to Vegas.”
“You hate Vegas”
“It’s raining here”
We drank our coffee. They didn’t serve coffee in our Ikea Red Living Room, so we had to bring our own – Cindy had brought donuts for us all. There seemed to be something between Cindy and V they were shuffling and not looking at each other.
“Go to Vegas, but when you come back – tell him to forget the Escalade.”
“Ok,” said Vivienne.
I was wondering about chair rails in my dining room – too ostentatious? Too much work to put up?
“So how’s Caroline?” (that’s my daughter) Vivienne began, “She ok with that boy?”
“Oh for God’s sake tell her,” Cindy breaking in. “Please, otherwise I will.”
Vivienne looked at Cindy, and then me - but said nothing.
She had a funny look; she was smiling and had a funny look.
“What? “I said, “ What kind of funny look is that?”
“No funny look,“ she said.
“Go on,” said Cindy. “Tell her about it.”
There was a pause.
“I went” - Vivienne, a rush, a blurt.
“Oh you know, “said Cindy” To my guy. The program – the thing I was telling you about.”
I was slow that day. What guy? Cindy’s guy?
Vivienne was watching me, she was laughing
“What guy?” I said – then I remembered. ”Jesus Christ – you didn’t,” I found myself standing up I was so shocked.
“I did.” Vivienne was laughing now.
“Jesus Christ.” I was still standing. “Vivienne – Jesus Christ”
Cindy was pulling me back down onto the couch, Vivienne was laughing and laughing
Cindy was saying, “Sit down, sit down Jay – come on.”
I sat down, and stared at Vivienne.
“You didn’t,“ I said again hopelessly.
“I did,” she said again – and then – “You have to go.”
Neither of them said anything, but they looked at me. Waiting.”
“No,” I said “ it’s – what is it?
“He calls it Surprises and Magic,” Cindy says.
“Sensations and Magic,” says Vivienne.
“ Its S & M,” said Vivienne –“seriously S & M. “
“The thing is,” said Cindy,“you can leave at any time, even when he ties you up – it’s easy to just leave.”
I stared at them.
Vivienne was laughing again, Cindy was becoming more and more serious – she was the one who had put the idea into Vivienne’s head, she was younger more serious than we were and seemed to have some salesperson desire to convince us.
“The course – “ Cindy tries to say.
“Course? He calls it a course? Where is it – at the community center?”
Vivienne laughs louder.
“The course is designed for older women,” Cindy persists.”Specifically – it will…”
“Open you up” Vivienne cuts in.
“I don’t want to be opened up. What do you mean opened up?”
Vivienne begins to laugh again.
Cindy keeps trying. “You should have seen here when she came back from him, flushed, bright, very… very…
“You have to go.” Vivienne taking my hand.
“You sky dived naked.”
“What!” said Cindy.
“I didn’t sky dive naked – it was bungee jumping.”
“Naked?” Cindy is beginning to laugh now.
“Bungee jumping is a whole different deal from – well, whatever this is – and I was naked because it was free, and I was naked because I was thirty five and didn’t care.”
“I told you,” Vivienne is saying to Cindy, ”naked – she’ll do anything.“
“No I won’t,” I said.
“The first session is free.”
“Free? - what do you mean free?”
“After that you pay per session – “
“We pay? Why, are we stupid? – anyway, isn’t it illegal?”
“No,” says Cindy – “She would say no whether anything was legal or not.”
“It’s designed for us – not for him” says Vivienne.
“Right,“ says Cindy. “And he’s trying to get into Groupon.”
“Great – I’ll wait for that then.”
“Deal find.” Vivienne is in hysterics again.
“What’s the matter with you?” I say.
“You should have seen her – she looked… amazing.” Cindy back to selling.
“No – come on lets go” – I stand up.
Cindy stands too. “Just ask her – ask her what it was like.”
I look at Vivienne – she has stopped laughing, and there’s a flush onto her face creeping up her neck.
You stand fully clothed in a dark room with a spotlight on you. It’s bright but not blinding. Bright. And there is a lot of silence – and then he says, “Will you take off your clothes now?”
The nice woman who greats you at the entrance to the building, an older woman – now I think back probably not older than me, but made to look like that – safe – an aunt or mother’s friend. She says – “you can leave at any time – any time, just sign here.”
I was very aware. I was – what do they say? – hyper-aware, bending down to pull my skirt over my heels, bending down aware of my buttocks in the air – in the bright light, pulling off my top, aware of the light finding my stomach, I imagined its warmth, it couldn’t have been, but I felt its warmth – hyper-aware.
I stood in heels (heels was a requirement – not stockings, no pantyhose – you could wear them, but that was different – what did he say? - that was a different performance. He needs to be ready to prepare.
I stood in heels, bra and panties – no thong, no g-string the email said – the thong was ok with stockings – simple panties with a skirt – no underwear with pantyhose. Each a different preparation – different performance.
“Go on please,” he said. I am sure he had moved in the dark, the voice came from a different angle now.
“Go on please.”
Of course I could have stopped. I could have stopped when the email came with the release form attached I had to print and sign and somehow then had to find a way to ‘scan’ back to him, his office. I could have stopped when I had all the boxes to tick off – If wearing stockings (silk please) and garter belts then you can wear a thong. If wearing pantyhose no underwear. If a dress or skirt, regular panties, no thong - please tick appropriate box.
I could have stopped before I had to go to Kinkos to get the child behind the counter to show me how to scan the embarrassing outrageous document so I could email it back
I could have stopped at any time.
I took off my bra and slid off my panties. You keep the heels on. The email stressed – you always keep the heels on, unless he takes them off you, or asks you to remove them. The email that I had to print and sign and send back to him. The email I had the child at Kinkos smirking to his buddies I am sure send back to him.
But I didn’t stop then. And I was here now. Standing naked in heels and the carefully thought out bikini wax. Heels and skin. Sagging rumpled mottled skin. My breasts sagging down to my navel, I am sure, my stomach and all the folds below hiding my sex, my careful bikini wax I am sure. I don’t know I didn’t look, and now I think about it, I hadn’t looked at myself naked standing in front of a mirror for, about I don’t know 10 years? – 15? I wasn’t fat – but I was let’s say not quite 55 and I hadn’t done anything
more physical than cook an egg in a long time.
“Turn around please.”
I turned. Hyper-aware. My stomach sloshing around, I am sure, my wrinkled knees, dangling breasts, flab under the arms – Jesus.
“Slower please – graceful please – you have a graceful body, turn with grace, please.”
I turned with some grace, but slower. The flabby skin – surely he can see the flab
From the voice’s direction he is facing my buttocks – hopefully the heels will help there, pull them up a bit, a bit. I never even wondered if there were others staring at my buttocks, it was always just me, and this voice, his voice and my butt and my obvious bikini wax.
“Lift your hands above your head please and turn.”
Hyper-aware. Turning in silence and a bright light. And his gaze. I turn and turn – will he not say something? I turn slowly in heels my arms over my head.
“Beautiful,“ he says. “A beautiful sight”
“Truly a beautiful sight. You know you are – yes?”
I wait, we wait.
“Catch” – he throws something.
I catch something a silk – a deep rich colored silk… scarf.
“How would you use that please?”
I don’t understand. The thing is the nice old lady – dressed as someone’s aunt says – don’t talk, don’t speak – unless he asks – you will find it alters the mood.
I don’t understand the silk – use? But I don’t say anything.
“Ok,” he says, “ok please wrap it round your neck – wrap – yes like that – wide, now pull the ends.”
”Pull the ends, yes can you feel that on you neck? – tightening?”
”Harder – pull harder.”
I am not sure I don’t pull much harder, nevertheless there is a feeling, it’s –
“Now,” he says “how would you use that as a sex thing, a sex toy?”
What? Now I have no idea.
“How would you?”
I look at the scarf.
“Ok “ he says “ that’s ok.”
“On your knees now.”
“Bend over head touching the floor.”
I kneel, and I bend over.
I realize now I was only aware then of the actions and the voice, I wasn’t thinking I thought I would be thinking a mile a minute but now I was unthinking, just there, kneeling on a floor, bending over so my buttocks lifted into the light his light. But hyper-aware of my actions and his voice. He has come out of the dark; I can feel he is standing behind me. Something touching my buttocks – my ass, something touching my ass, the anus. A whip? A rod? No something – soft – the scarf he is sliding the scarf over my skin – no not my skin. Up and down the crack in my ass.
“Ok,“ he says, “ok?”
I don’t know. On my knees, butt in the air, my ass in the air, and something , something harder now – God not a penis. Not – no no it’s, what? a rope? Two three strands stroking up and down the crack between my buttocks, my ass, touching the anus.
“Do you know Yoga?”
“Downward Dog Pose then please – can you please now come into downward facing dog pose?”
I lift up my body, straightening my legs, arms straight out, head down, feel my legs stretched by the heels, my buttocks stretched, but I can feel, I can see my breasts hanging down, I can feel my cheeks on my face sagging down.
“Beautiful,” he says, “you are beautiful – can you feel this?
He is dragging the whip across my buttocks, then – Oh! He has whipped me – he has whipped me!
Oh! And again.
The strands of rope whipping against my butt. Oh. And now in-between my legs.
“Straighten your legs please, don’t buckle, don’t give in – we have just started.”
I straighten my legs. Ah now he is whipping the ropes around my body, my stomach, tangling the ropes in my dangling breasts and pulls them when he pulls back the ropes
And Oh , harder, on my ass, Oh. Suddenly flicking between my legs. Flicking the rope stands onto my thighs – I can feel my ass burning from the ropes, and my stomach. My
breasts twist in the ropes when he flicks it across my shoulder, my skin is convulsing as he flicks the strands against it.
“Beautiful,” he is saying, “you are beautiful.”
The ropes across my back, then wrapping around again, then the buttocks, then between the legs – it must stop – I can’t – he stops.
“Thank you,” he says.
I can hardly move, everything is tingling vibrating every piece of my skin, every nerve, every muscle seems out of control.
“Its ok – breathe. Stand up”
I do. I do stand. And there he is in front of me with a whip, a whip with ropes dangling on the end, and feathers or silk or something at the other.
“Look into my eyes. “
He suddenly whips the ropes across my stomach. Turns the whip and strokes it up my thighs, the feathers or silk – Oh God, Oh God.
“Legs apart please, wider – thank you.
My thighs are shaking, wobbling, I am going to fall.
“Look at me please.”
I stare at his face but I can’t see anything – I see eyes and hair and a nose a mouth all there, all looking at me, but I can’t put them together.
“Watch,” he says.
He turns the whip around there are some things… feathers? on the other end. He now runs the feathers up my thighs onto my…onto my pussy, and up slowly up to my breasts. Up and down. Then he turns the whip around and slaps the ropes across my stomach. He is walking round me – circling. I turn again the ropes whipped across my buttocks. He must see my thighs shaking. He whips the ropes across my body. It’s not pain now, it’s – what is this? He stops, facing me, I am sweating I am – oh no, I now realize I am wet. Christ.
“Ok,” he says – “Ok You may touch yourself now, just a little.”
I am lost confused – touch?
“Your cunt please.”
“Touch your cunt please, with your fingers.”
Hyper-aware of my fingers and his gaze, and the whip and my pussy, my cunt, hyper-aware, I feel the wetness now on my thighs. I don’t notice he is behind me again until I feel the whip on my buttocks, not the feathers – the whip – it’s like –
“Ok,” he says.
It is like –
“Ok.” He grabs my hair and pulls back my head. “Don’t stop your fingers – “
His hands slide onto my neck, his fingers on my throat, my neck.
“Don’t stop, your fingers,“ he says.
His hands slide over my neck, my breasts, over the nipples – hyper-aware – my fingers, his hand, my nipples stretched upright, his hand sliding down onto my stomach, then up - my fingers with their own desperate desires now deep inside my cunt.
He steps back – “Now look at my eyes.”
I look and I see the deliberate motion of the whip on my buttocks – oh God.
My knees are weak my highs are shaking – I am falling.
“Ok thank you,” he says. “Please sit.”
He offers a stool.
“Sit, relax now, breathe.”
I sit in my skin and nerves and heels – he offers me a glass of water – it shakes in my hand, slopping out of the glass onto my face and chest as I try to get some of the cool water into my mouth My mind has stopped, only my nerves are working, in every part of my body, the nerves in a loud jangling chorus of pain and, and release.
He stands beside me, sipping from a glass of ice and something – orange juice – “ok?“ he says.
I nod, I think I nod, my eyes are closed.
He grips my hair again and pulls my head back, stretching me up from the stool pulling my hair, stretching my neck, my body I try to stand on the rung of the stool to stop the stretch.
“No, stay sitting, “he says. “Lean back though, lean back.”
He is pulling me back off the stool, stretched back – AHH. He has poured the drink – cold, ice cubes, and sticky, cold running over my skin, down between my legs
– Jesus - cold and sticky – and still running down my legs into my heels. He is now in front of me. He puts an arm around my waist.
“Hands behind your head please – stretch, stretch back.”
He strokes my breasts which no longer seem to dangle, they seem like – breasts –
“Stretch,” he says.
I stretch. His hand slides over my stomach and gently touches my pussy. Then his hand is gone. There is a noise – I open my eyes – I didn’t know they were closed – where was I? – and I see he has an enormous purple dildo, vibrating , that was the noise, he brings it to me , moves it along the inside of my thighs, and now oh God, now – inside me – I want to scream, every nerve every blood vessel every piece I have that I thought I had used up is convulsing and sighing and screaming and twitching, and then it is outside me, up inside the folds of my sex, my pussy, this cunt of mine, inside those folds, those lips, and oh oh there – yes right there, oh my God. Right.There. And then it’s gone. Oh no. Then it’s gone.
His hands are still there though – a connection – so I don’t snap shut like a tortured beast, so every nerve and inch of me doesn’t spasm in frustration and desire – his hands are still there, stroking, but he is behind me again – Ahh. He pulls my hair, my head back – almost off the stool again – and he is wrapping the silk scarf around and around my neck - pulling me up – constricting my blood, my air, pulling me up from the stool by the scarf and the neck.
“It’s ok” he says, “pain and later – release – it’s ok.”
I am lost, I have gone somewhere.
“Shh,“ he says. “Shh”
He is pulling the scarf, pulling – then – another glass of ice down over my stretched vibrating body – I scream – someone screams – I am sure it’s me.
“Shh,” he says “Shh.”
I am standing leaning back, my heels caught in the rung of the stool – ice cold rivulets in every fold and piece of my flesh, and the scarf is tightening and then , like an orgasm, like a spring being released, like tattered grey birds being released from cages into a blue bright sky – every nerve in every sexual piece of me screams, convulses, releases – together – at once – the places where my fingers had touched me, the
soft places the purple vibrations had found me, the folds outside, the nerves inside, all of that, every piece of that cunt of mine - the nipples, the creases and folds around my thighs, the whipped buttocks, the anus he stoked with this scarf, every molecule I possess – every sexual piece – I am falling away into pieces of sex and folds of skin and ice cold rivers - nerves upright standing erect reaching out for more – but – I am falling away.
He holds onto me as I almost fall from the stool. He sits me upright. He lets go of me, walks around. I still cannot put him together but I see a smile in his parts, the eyes and mouth, I just right now can’t connect.
“More?“ he says.
More – what more?
“More,” he says – “Say more please?”
I say, “No please, no more please.”
“Thank you,” he says – “thank you.”
There is nothing. I realize my eyes are closed – I open my eyes – nothing. I slide off the stool, it is wet and sticky with drink and ice and me, and me – all the juices I thought had dried up a long time ago. Someone, not him, maybe the nice old lady, puts a large towel over my quivering skin, the lights slowly come up and I lie on the throbbing floor.